Episode Fifteen: Getting Over Rejection

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About this Episode

How do you deal with a flat out NO?! In this of Self Made, Jessica shares 5 ways, whether personal or professional, to deal with rejection.  It's ok to be embarrassed and sad, but at some point, the pity party has to end, this episode is about how to do just that.

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Episode TranscripT

Hello this is Jessica Herring founder and CEO of the Stella and Dot family of brands. And this is my brand new podcast self-made. 

Welcome to this episode of Self Made. This is gonna be a tough-love episode to tell you that right upfront . I wish it weren't true. I really do. But here's what I believe. That rejection is a quintessential part of success. So you've gotta learn to deal with it. How do you do it? You get over it and actually in this episode I'm going to breakdown five ways that you can get over it. You a successful person capable of evolving and growing and developing the tenacity and inner strength to cope even if you don't like it. We're going to talk about all that but first I want to share some gratitude for all of your listeners for sharing self-made because you have given over 100 reviews and I'm just really grateful for it. So keep doing it. Leave your thoughts. Share it with friends. And I really appreciate you. All right. You want to talk about rejection again. Things that they do. This is something I feel very experienced in because I have been rejected laughed at embarrassed mortified more times than I could possibly imagine. And basically every job I've done, if you were to read about it today you would say oh that was a successful endeavor. Look at how that worked out. The reality is that experience whether it was getting an education or going into a job and getting a promotion or starting in my first company or my second company or brands within that business there were massive setbacks. People who said absolutely not. People thought I was crazy things that did not work out. Employees that didn't accept a job. Everything that you can think of got rejected along the way and every single time I did not like it, and I wish it would not have happened. But those are the moments we have to dig deep and understand that you can't be an exception to the universe. It takes tenacity and you've just got to cope and learn how to do it. So what are some of the commonalities if you think about all the people in the world that have to overcome hardship and any successful person has had to. They don't just live in a charmed life where. Everything went the wrong way the wind is always at their back. They really have some commonalities around how they deal got flat out no that horrid feeling of feeling like things are against you.

You feel like a fool you're an idiot you're not a competent and yet somehow you go on. All right. So here are the things that I have noticed that help people deal with the hurt and continue on towards their path to success. So number one it's OK to be sad but for just a little bit. So this is really key. When somebody says no to you when you offer them a product that you want to sell or when you get said no to because you ask somebody out on a date or it's a job that gets turned down no matter who you are no matter how mentally tough you are no matter how successful you're destined to be it's going to suck. You're going to sit there at that moment and not like it. So you don't want to try to deny the pain or suppress it or ignore it just acknowledge it. I think the difference is though how long do you allow yourself to wallow before you walk on and move on. Right. So it's OK to be embarrassed and sad and disappointed in all those things. But at some point, the pity party can't continue for like a week. Right. Maybe not even a day maybe it's appropriate for an hour. But feel the feelings feel all the feelings let the rejection sting then try to do something to lift your mood and move on. So what is that for you know how to make yourself happy and then you're not dependent on everything in the world going your way in order to be happy. Because in those moments where you get sad when things get bad you're able to say OK I got to go for a run or OK I need to take some time and chill and read or write I'm going to cook a good dinner. What is it that you know can switch you out of that wallowing sad place in your brain. Because the bottom line is it's OK to be sad but not for a long time. So that's one thing number one. Number two, when you are facing rejection you've lost something, something didn't turn out. You have to look at it as evidence you are playing the right level of game. Let me break this down for you, said the other way if you were in a math class and you were learning math and you're trying to advance your skills and you got 100 percent every time before you even had to work hard of the problem. That's because you already know that level you already know that skill. So it's not stretching you you are not growing you should be in another class. You should be at a higher level where you're confused and you don't understand then you should struggle a little you should learn a little you should listen to the teacher you should read a book you should watch one video you watch a different one and then you should learn it and then eventually at the end of the effort you should get them all right and then you move on. That's how you're learning so if you're engaged in a business game where you are everything is going right for you. It's probably because you're not playing at the right level you're in too remedial of an effort for you. So if you're in the big game and in the right league or you're really challenging yourself and you're opening yourself up to the right possibility It means you're going to lose some of the time. And I don't know what that is for you in your industry. Is it half the time. Is it actually more than half the time. Because let me tell you this if you are early stage and you're going out to raise money for your business or you're trying to go get a bunch of customers and you are going to do sales prospecting the reality is you've got to be in the business of losing you know 90 percent of the time. I've said this before, my husband is an investor as a venture capitalist, and when you're investing in early-stage businesses nine out of 10 go bust you're looking for that one right but that means you're losing 90 percent of the time in order to win the game over all when you win that 10 percent. So think about that. Right. Think about the fact that it's okay to win overall as long as you're willing to have the tenacity to play in the right game and deal with the rejection that comes with it. So look at it as evidence for all right. This means I'm outside of my comfort zone. It means I am trying hard enough. It means I'm in the right league. It means it's reasonable to be rejected and I'm not afraid to go for it see that as a sign of strength not weakness. And I got to tell you guys everybody knows this but it's still you. So humans were feeling creatures instead of just logical people. That's why there are so many successful posters and athletes need to like pump themselves up because it is normal to not want to lose all the time. Even if you know that's what it's going to take and that's what's going to happen. So again see it as a sign that you're in the right league and make sure you are going back to motivate yourself in all those moments. And I kind of talked about how you get over rejection which is you know don't be sad for long when it happens. This is almost like the pregame more pep yourself up before you go into it being like it's OK I got this I know it could happen here I go. Number three, track your effort and keep acting based on reason and don't quit after feeling that emotion. This is really a good third one because it follows the first two. If you're thinking to yourself somebody says no to you and you're just thinking I am so stupid for thinking I can do that. I'm going to fail. I'm not capable enough my product is stupid or my business is going to get funded or there's no way I can handle this class of this job. That negative self talk, you just have to replace that with a more loving kinder affirming message to yourself. Anyone who is kicking ass at anything feels like a loser. A lot. Could see that again because that is you need to hear. We all need to hear it. Anyone who's at the top of their game and super successful and other people look at them like they got it all going on. They feel like a loser a lot because we're human for feeling things. And it means that self-doubt is part of the game. So is love So is happiness. So is joy but your beautiful brain it can zig and zag and there will be moments every single day not even like once a week but every single day even multiple times an hour where you could be crushing it you're still like this. Am I gonna be able to keep this up. Am I good enough. Am I worthy. Am I just getting lucky right? No matter what we are prone to having moments of doubt and actually being kind of mean to ourselves when things go our way where we just let the negative talk get in our way. So whether it is being dumped by a long term love or getting passed over at work for a potion or getting rejected from your dream school or. Going to 10 people in a row who say no no no no. For whatever business you're trying to start or product you're trying to sell whatever it is you've got to recognize that there are going to be moments those moments can not be tied to your self-worth. OK. Those moments can't be that this means that I suck vs. let me track my effort and just keep going. You know you can feel like rejection feels bad and then you let the bad feeling translates into an action. There's a certain way to feel worse and prove the most negative thought you just had about yourself.

True the only way to feel better is to keep going you know that is true.

Right. If you are just if you're not winning and you are you've got to get sales done. Right. That's always an easy path. You've got to get a game one more practice more outreach more effort is going to help you right not hurt you. So that is something that you just need to think about all the time. Number four learn from the Know by assessing your quality and quantity. So when I talked about you know don't let your rejection to find you and get you down and think about what you're doing wrong. You've got to keep going. Now I want to talk about the fact that when you keep going. You have a real plan around this. You're going to actually assess the quantity of reach out that you're doing the quantity of effort you're putting in to get better. And also the quality of that effort. This is really really important. So if you ask yourself OK I got said no to what did I learn from this. What did I gain from this. How can this be a good thing for me. Right. So can I ask for feedback as to why someone said no. Is that going to help me revise my presentation so that it's done better yes at next time and always look at it not just in the win for yourself but the win for somebody else presumably if you're offering a product you think that it's because not just because you're going to benefit from the sale of that product but because you think the person you're offering it to is going to benefit.

And if there's a note you one that could just be because they're not interested right now they might be not have the money and have the time they're always going to say all those things.

But if it's something where you can hone your pitch because you asked for their feedback like Tell Me More What would make you interested? How could I present this in a more quality way? You start to get curious and you think about upping the level of quality. I did another podcast earlier on go back and look for those episodes on curing your sales phobia. That's about confidence and looking a little bit at the quality of the process for who you're talking to are you talk to them enough. You're not taking them at all. And what it is you're saying it's the what it is you're saying and how you're saying it. That's what this is really about here. What do you have to learn in those bad moments where he considers okay that probably didn't work. Maybe I backed away and I didn't give them enough information. Or maybe I talk too much. I gave them too much information. Maybe I was trying to sell them on how it would save them money and really what they cared about was quality. Maybe they didn't understand what I was offering and I just need to follow up and give them more information more time. So don't just panic and let them know sabotage you sabotage your thought sabotage your actions what you've got to activate curiosity and not negativity so that you can assess the quantity along with the quality and grow from it and get stronger. That's a really important thinking to do. After every single now which is, where's the gift? What can I learn from this? And if there isn't some Eureka Aha. Right. This is not a Pollyanna situation where every time someone says no to you you're gonna say oh thank you for this gift I've learned so much. 9 out of 10 times people is going to say no but if you're getting 20 no's that's probably in a row. That's probably when you need to say to yourself okay. Let me really assess my approach.

Let me ask people for feedback and I bet there is a nugget of wisdom. Go ask somebody who is proving successful and ask them to listen to what I said give me your feedback. What do you think? Any time you can seek improvement out of rejection you are growing and remember growth is the goal. You get better results because you grow yourself not because you change other people. Makes sense doesn't it. So therein lies your opportunity. There's some information and not no getting out that gets me right to number five which is rejection is an opportunity for engaging with others that are successful. You may think to yourself well people are rejecting me. Why would other people want to help me or am I a total loser and I'm not worth coaching or? But that is not what you should conclude. What you should conclude is hey has somebody else crack this code. Do I really need to go this alone? Can I look around the world for other people that are succeeding and bounce my ideas off of them and get curious about how I might get better? What other systems opportunities are out there in place for me to go evaluate. So this may be something where when you take your rejection and you learned to get over it you've learned to track it. There's a really compelling thing to be able to go to some now saying you know what I'm trying really hard at this I'm looking at my efforts and it turns out these are my results. But what I'd really like to do is improve my results by 10 percent. What tips have you got for me? Why the rejection is so helpful and why does it lead you to this place of being in just the right spot to go get someone who's being successful to help you because now you can quantify how you want to improve and actually get a really specific action plan in place and really specific advice from other people. If you go at mentorship and you say to someone how I just suck I'm not doing anything right. Hey I gotta give up or please help me. Please help me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I want to be successful. Say you know I'm doing this business and I want to earn.

So you've got now put yourself in the place where you can get insight from an expert and get the results that you deserve and that you can create in your life because you are Self Made. So here is my take action challenge for you. Where are you afraid of getting said no to. And how do you deal with the normal knows that are a part of everyone's success. What happened last time you felt like a total loser and you were rejected.

And how did you respond to it then go back through these five tips and tap into an idea on how you can be better at dealing with rejection.

Because I promise you that as a life skill it will push your self out there he will put you in the right league it will help you be kinder and gentler to yourself it will let you get help from other people it will improve quantity and quality of your business.

So I just want you to pick one scenario and get curious about how you dealt with that rejection. Thanks for listening. You are self-made.

Andy Kuchinski